“they are all short they are Japanese” I said

I was responding to the minder at the customs at Moscow’s Domodedevo airport who was instructing us to “choose the short queue” and given we had just landed behind a Jumbo Jet from Tokyo all the queues were full of “shorts” which is not stereotyping or racial profiling its just they are not tall. Anyway my humor was lost on her and I headed for the line with the least people in it.

As I wandered up 6 of these diminutive tourists step across so the queue was not that “short” by the time I joined it. My flights had so far gone quite well. A couple of hours hanging around OR Tambo airport in Johannesburg which is fine I can get into the lounge and play on face book. They have some good snacks but for some reason some terrible wines, one from Tasmania which given all the local choices seems slightly perverse of them. I also know where the smoking area is so not too much stress.

We had to get bussed out to out plane through a quite severe thunder storm, this is after waiting whilst all the crew filed passed (late) all laden with Duty free bags some so late they were on the bus with us the “Guests” we took off almost an hours late but given we are flying for around 10 hours I doubt we will be late in.

A couple of drinks and some fish later I am ready for sleep, so ready in fact that I fall asleep with my ear plugs and mask still in my hand. I had tried to watch a film with Michelle Pfeiffer in but got bored and flicked it off (she was on my laminated list I say was as I think I need to renew it and I fear she won’t make the cut). I was woken abruptly by loud talking and the clanking of cups. This is the point where I think the ear plugs would have saved me but no matter I get coffee then another and another. I should be awake by the time we land in an hour and a half.

The clocks do not go forward in South Africa so we get in around 5:20 am so lots of hanging around time. Customs in terminal 5 are very good and you can get from the plane to the street in 15 minutes. They do have some broken chairs which clutter up the place and seem to have been there for a couple of months making the first impression of the place less than ideal. Anyway I have my expenses to post so I try and find a Post Office I of course go to the Airport information who are not sure if they have one, I casually suggest they may want to Google it and they find on in terminal 3 but is does not open until 9 am and by the way they are on strike I am informed with a smile.

Wandering off to buy Judi some entertainment magazines and get some more coffee I pass a Marks & Spencer’s and pick up a couple of Pork pies (a very English thing).

I also pick up 2 CD’s live sessions from the BBC which if you like live music are extremely good value. I stick as much as I can into my case and get my ticket. These automated machines are a bit of a pain and it soon gets confused by an English man going to Moscow with a ticket purchased with an American Visa without a British Airways card and it suggests I get assistance ( I think I heard it sigh). Only a slight delay whilst someone checks my Russian visa and I am though to scanning which is always fun. They got the design wrong and there is no enough room for the hundreds of people queuing and the solution is a series of mini queues where nobody really knows where they are. The whole system is over engineered. It is almost worth a blog of its own. Just go with the flow ant 20 minutes later I am clear. I want another coffee but boarding is showing so decide to go straight through. The plane is possibly a third full and I have a whole exit row to myself. A snooze and a couple of coffee’s later and we land to light snow. I notice the Nippon Airways jumbo but was not quite prepared for the nigh on 400 tourists who have managed to slip off before us.

We are held up by the swine flu check. Not as bad as it used to be. They used to come on in gumboots latex gloves and masks as a team and keep you for 30 minutes. Now there is only one girl and as she passes me I am sure she gives me one of those “you again” sort of looks but maybe not.

So here I am in the queue which is going very slowly as these are first timers. One guy tries to go through the electronic gate too early and gets a rather nasty reproach from the burly customs girl. I did think for a moment she was going to call the boys over but it soon passes. Ok now only 4 in front of me and two customs girls. Then of course the crew arrive and it would seem the ratio of crew to passenger on Nippon Airways is quite high there is a long line of them and they are all going to get straight to the front of my queue. I barge over to another queue but now back in 12^th place. Deep breaths it will all be over soon. Ok through and waiting for my bag, excellent it comes quite quickly and out through the green channel. Nobody takes any notice of me as they are scanning the very small bag of a girl in tight leather trousers and 4 inch heeled boots. In fact all the guards seem to be involved in this exercise nice to see them being so though although given she could be described as stunning this may have influenced them somewhat.

Dashing through the airport (you have to go all the way to the other end) to get my train I wonder why the taxi drivers are a little more aggressive today. Buying my ticket I work it out I have just missed the 4pm and need to wait 55 minutes for the next one.

Now a guy in a blue suit and white shirt with loafers on standing on the snow laden station platform next to people in great coats hats scarf’s and gloves one feels who ever is playing “spot the tourist” will have an easy game.

Note to self pack some warmer clothes next time and get some decent winter shoes.