I am on the last leg of my trip so London to Moscow. The gate for our flight is 5c which is one of those many satellite gates Heathrow has. Along a corridor down the slope ignore International Transfers and hang left, up the escalators along then down the escalators, down the steps and through the doors. The reason I comment of the route is I am waiting at the gate and a woman has just arrived with a stroller with a kid in it and 5 bags hanging off it. So way to go you. That was some feat to navigate that obstacle course. The lady takes the kid out of the stroller however every time its feet touch the floor it takes off like the energizer bunny. It does had reins attached so not sure why she is not using them. Anyway after a while she gives up trying to untangle all the bags and puts the child back in the buggy. Now you should know there is a fault with the display boards at the gate and they are at times showing “Go to Gate”, “Boarding”, “Closing” or “Closed”. Now what this causes is mild waves of panic in the assembling crowd of passengers. Each new intake to the gate area falls for this until the not so friendly desk girl explains v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y which is a particular English thing when speaking to foreigners. This includes Canadians and Americans after all they do speak a different language. Anyway as the board cycles through options little waves of panic until we start to board at which point of course everyone panicked. Russians can queue but it is disorderly not really queuing more bunching or grouping. Even though the call was for people with children everyone moves forward. My lady with the stroller moves forward clipping peoples legs with the bags however it is effective at clearing a path which is immediately filled by a trail of people spotting the gap. Next call is for rows 20 -44 which does not have the desired effect of thinning out the queue in fact the assembled throng (its now clearly larger than a group) continues to try and slip onboard however the gate girl stands firm and anyone with a row less than 20 is stopped at checkpoint Charlie (if you don’t know about checkpoint Charlie, Google it) The reason I see all of this carnage is that I am in row 11, I managed to get the BMI automated kiosk to move me towards the front of the plane an aisle seat with nobody in the middle chair. The 10 -20 call comes and the bun fight ends as I slip quietly past whilst some guy with a heave Irish accent tried to explain to the desk girl exactly where she went wrong. Down the stairs and out and bump into the end of the queue to the plane. Probably about 40 people waiting to board so this idea of getting the back rows on first did not seem to have the desired effect. It’s ok remember I am at the front with elbow room, well maybe not, I am at the front but the lady with the toddler and the bags is sitting in the middle seat (what joy) I have a Babushka at the window the bag lady plus kid on her lap in the middle then me. Ok stay calm you can do this its only 4 hours. Surprisingly there is ample leg room certainly although the row in front is still close enough for the kid next to me to easily kick the back of the chair in front. Mum turns him sideways so he could kick me instead. Not funny. Mom is trying to read a nursery rhyme to him however I think he is more interested in plotting an escape route. Whilst all this is going on a man in the row opposite decides this would be an ideal time to have a nose bleed. He is in the window seat and his companions vacate their chairs extremely quickly to let him through. The man with the Irish accent stops him a few rows back and explains exactly what he needs to do to stop it however I don’t think the Russian guy fully got it. Whilst all this is going on Mum has been rummaging through the three bags she has stuffed under the chair in front of her for something. What ever it is it is not there so up she gets and who gets to hold the Ok lets all settle down. Nose bleed man has come back although his shirt is quite a mess. Irish accent is asking if we are still planning to take off today. The stewardess who is quite young seems to have a perfect smile stuck on her face. One of those “I am very pleased with myself” smiles or “this is my first flight and I am having so much fun” what ever it is is keeping her very happy. So are we ready for the off, not really the Babushka at the window now decides to goad the mum with the kid into asking the stewardess if she could move up a row. We are in 11 and 10 is behind business class so there is probably 6 inches more room. Mum presses the attendant button and smiler comes over. Several versions of explanations later some middle aged woman agrees to swap places which I personally think is a great idea however the muttering going on under the middle aged woman’s breath indicate she is not so pleased. I stand whilst the cabin shuffle takes place mum kid three bags, middle aged lady a bag as big as a sack plus the tapestry she is sewing all dancing back and forth. An Irish accent is heard to say “they won’t bleedin take orf wit all those people standing up” I don’t even validate this with a backward glance. My mantra is its only 4 hours only 4 hours only 4 hours. So are we set to go,,,,,,,,,, well nearly the pilot says due to the extended boarding time we are waiting for a new slot and should be a few minutes. Middle ages lady now next to me is furiously searching the tapestry for something. I note the pattern is of a panther on a mountain, given half the thing is panther and the panther is black I don’t think this will be too much of a challenge to her. Anyway she is obviously looking for something. It is her needle which she can not find. A though rus through my head that if she left is on her other seat the mum will no doubt find it soon sticking out of the kid somewhere. Middle aged lady wants to get up and go and look for it and stands. I notice it was on her lap as it falls to the ground. I lean forward to pick it up and she tries to vault over me in my doubled up position. Somehow I stop her crashing over me into the isle and present her with her needle. She says I am a very nice man and kisses me on the cheek. The stewardesses while away the time by going through the safety demo, the kid steals the life jacket and won’t let go but smiler continues as mum prizes it from his grasp. She is now out of synch with the announcements but never brakes the smile, what a trooper. A voice from behind asks “are we ever going to bleedin take orf” Smiler goes to investigate and I can clearly hear an Irish accent explaining how an airline company can be run more efficiently. The question is will we ever take off, you will have to wait for the next installment.
The following events are recorded as I remember them and trust me there is little or no embellishment.
brat child (got it in one) I do consider a short pinch but decide a crying baby at this point would not help. Some strength in these kids today. Mum finds a small bottle and he makes a leap for it using my general groin area as a launching pad. I need a moment before I can stand and let her in again.
La Jourdinarie our place in France
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